Not Depression But An Eye Opener
I had been married to the love of my life for almost 7 years when we decided to have a baby. I was nervous and excited just like every mother to be. My pregnancy journey had been smooth and my interest towards spirituality was deepened during this time. I practiced a lot of yoga and meditation, took spiritual courses and sailed through pregnancy.
Finally, as per the planned due date, I gave birth to a beautiful boy.
I knew what was happening to my body but not to my mind. I couldn’t get up to go to the washroom. I couldn’t even turn from one side to another. The drip on my arm was paining badly. I was happy but there was something else that I was trying to come to terms with. I couldn’t recognise that.
My husband and his family were there to help me. However, everything appeared the other way round. For the first few days, my husband took good care of me. But afterwards, there was a change in the whole scene.
I started getting a different treatment from him and his parents. I was mostly left alone in my room while my husband was busy spending quality time with his parents.I was eating alone as three of them will be eating together at the dining table. I would sleep whenever I could while taking care of the baby, as three of them need to sit together late hours to discuss some important stuff. Basically I was left alone with my struggles of dealing with the newborn and new mother inside me.
And instead of confronting anything, I got lost in my thoughts:
“I always loved being alone, so what if I am alone in my room now. Of course, this time with the baby. But it shouldn’t impact me in a negative way. So what, if my husband can’t spend enough time with me even when he has taken leaves from the office, he has always been so caring. And now also, he keeps asking if I need anything.”
It took me months to realise I was being too understanding towards others in a very unhealthy way. I was self sabotaging. It took me some more months to realise that I had been self sabotaging for years in the name of love and understanding. I was in blind love. I was in toxic acceptance mode. I couldn’t figure out right from wrong when it came to my partner just like he couldn’t when it came to his parents.I decided to confront. And that’s when I was told:
You are not a good mother.
The world is giving birth, you have not done anything special to get some special treatment.
You have no empathy.
You are greedy.
You want money.
You don’t know how to take care of the baby and you are too stupid to be responsible enough.
And much more.
And the result of all that is, I am now a single mother. But a happy single mother.
I got married to this guy against the wishes of my parents. I was even ready to leave my parents to be with him. But they supported me unconditionally. Now my son is 1.5 years old and I am able to continue my job, my writing journey and this article submission only because I get enough time to invest in myself because of them. I am so grateful to my parents for being there for me in my weakest.
Although the initial advice from everyone had been to try to be together, nothing wrong with it, it’s just that it makes it more difficult to hear that inner voice when there is so much noise outside.
This time my inner voice was shouting so hard that I couldn’t ignore it. I realised it had been shouting for years but I decided to suppress it in the name of love. I am living a happy, peaceful life now. I do feel scared sometimes when I think about the future but I realised my Faith is much stronger than my fears.
No matter what, Never ever settle in a toxic relationship. Recognise your self-worth. It took me years to recognize my self-worth. I was being too good, too kind, too understanding. My delivery opened my eyes. My postpartum depression was actually an eye opener for me and I am so grateful for this whole journey. I have learned to use my vulnerabilities as my strengths. I have chosen self respect over convenient life. I have chosen me.
Her innocence died a torturous death,
In the name of love.
Now, her heart is broken,
Letting the universe send some light in.
Love and blessings,
ROMA (mypeacefulnoise)
Roma Chib is author of poetry journal, Peaceful Noise, My Inner Voice: 21 days of self-discovery. Roma addresses the issues related to toxic positivity and believes that it is crucial to recognize emotions and it should be the 1st step towards healing. Her Instagram page @mypeacefulnoise is a collection of many such thoughts.